Miracle

It’s hard to know where to begin and what to say. January the 12th was one of the most alarming, hopeful, scary, and exciting days of mine and Matthew's life. We found out we were having a baby. Given our situation, we were not trying but of course we embraced the precious gift. And after it sunk in for a couple of days, we told our parents. Actually, I called Lesley first to see if 2 pregnancy tests could be wrong. I have taken pregnancy tests before long training runs to assure me that I wasn't pregnant and I forgot to take it before the 20 miler race. The test was sitting out still from my forgetfulness and it was about 5:30 am that Friday before law school prom. I took it because I wanted to make certain since there would be alcohol and a late night in store. I had to recheck the positive result and box several times before I woke up Matthew. I even took two more tests that evening because the first tests were generic and I thought they didn't work properly. We knew we’d want to keep my bump a sweet secret for a little while especially since it was very early. I had loved knowing something was happening inside of me but no one else having a clue!
Until January 23rd…. I can hardly type without recalling the agony. But it’s been a part of my pregnancy and something I will never forget. Having a baby is a miracle with in itself. And what we endured in 48 hours is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

We went to the emergency room around 6:00 pm because I had been spotting a little bit of blood and the pregnancy was super early; I just wanted to be pre-cautious and make sure the baby was alright. Well, four hours later I learned that I would miscarry and had a "blighted ovum". I don’t know exactly what the doctor said; I think in those moments you stare in shock and disbelief. But I remember him saying “I am so sorry to have to tell you this.” I looked at Matthew then down at my hands. His face was so broken and confused. Instinctively he argued and asked if there could be a mistake but sadly no. That was my diagnosis per the M.D.

And the sobs came and for hours they did not stop. We were at the hospital until 2 am for nonsensical reasons. Then I got up for work at 5 am because that was the only distraction I could handle to get through this. Poor Matthew was in the midst of finals and didn't have a choice either. It was easily the worst day of my life and his. I let my supervisor in on the recent happenings and a co-worker whom had been through the same sort of thing. My mother came down to Austin to comfort and console me before I had to go to the OBGYN to find out what my options were. Truly, nothing had ever felt more terrible for me than grasping the loss of a life I had. I finally understood what it felt like to bond with your belly and at the same time to lose that precious life. And everything I wanted before…the marathon, my C.P.A., my job…did not hold the same allure. I just wanted the baby back.


We made an appointment to see an OBGYN in Austin a couple of days later to find out what my options were. He was incredible from the go. The first thing he said was “I’m so sorry for your loss. But you will be okay and you will be back. I am glad you have a support group with you here today, you are going to need it.” Being in a doctor’s office is painful when you are surrounded by pregnant women knowing you aren't but you were. An indescribable misery.

What happened next is the moment in my life and Matthew's that we will always remember. The doctor began the sonogram/scope and looked at the screen very puzzled and confused. I was too afraid to look at the screen, I just didn't want to see a missing embryo and what might have been. Then Dr. Cowan calmly said “So, they diagnosed with you a blighted ovum? Well, they were wrong. We have a heartbeat”. What I remember most is looking at the sonogram and immediately seeing the blinking light. And I knew that was our baby silently saying "They were wrong, I'm still here!" all along. I don’t know what I felt. Crazy. To go from the absolute worst day of my life to the best feeling in the world……I felt overjoyed, blessed, overwhelmed, gracious, and loved. And I knew it was our miracle, as all babies are. But enduring this has allowed me to enjoy every morning sickness moment, every crying spell, and every piece of clothing that won't fit all the more. And the things I was selfish about before…..thinking about all of my time spent marathon training, GMAT studying, and applications I’d done….none of this mattered or matters. Those things are always going to be there waiting to see if I can accomplish them. Someday.......but for now......

……. we are having Baby C! I am no longer being monitored on a weekly basis and I wanted to share this happy news!!! Especially since I keep getting asked about the marathon and I can't imagine what legitimate excuse I'd have here in a couple of days. We figured the cat would be out of the bag pretty quickly!! The irony though, from the beginning of my training I always said that the only way I wouldn't run is if I got pregnant! But never did I dream that could happen. How does a baby survive a 20 mile race?! I had no clue I was pregnant but now wonder I ate so much that day! I am usually never hungry after running! I hope I have a little athlete in my belly. I am about 9 1/2 weeks and already feel like I’m showing! For all of my friends who have babies and babies on the ways, wow. The stomach stretches and morning sickness is awesome. My first time was on the way to my doctor's appointment vomiting in the car. But I'll take it every minute to know Baby C is still there!


Here are some of the pictures of our little jelly bean below…….the first one is the first sonogram when we saw just the heartbeat. The little sneaky was only 5 weeks and 6 days and just a flashing light! You can barely see it......(Matthew picked the nickname "Sneaky"). Me when I first found out! I was only 5/6 weeks then! Yes, we are still in shock!

The 6th/7th week's sonogram below we were given the due date, September 21st but that has since been moved up to September 18thso I don't really know! And I don't know how some of you weren't showing at 2 months dang because I have a belly and can barely button my jeans! Seriously, not fair. I think I might be a big momma :)!
And here was our most recent 8 week visit. The doctor said everything looked "beautiful". It was the word I needed to hear after the heartbreak we had gone through. Every time I go to the doctor I get a little nervous it will end up like the E.R. visit. It's kind of feel good though because all of the nurses and staff are like..."Oh, you are the girl that was misdiagnosed, we've all heard about you." It makes me feel good that everyone at Dr. Cowan's office and the other doctors know what happened to Matthew and me. And I do feel spoiled since I've already had 3 sonograms and seen the baby grow a little every week. But our next visit is at 12 weeks and I'm so ready to go back again!

Well here are some of my pregnant pictures, I can def see the growth over the last few weeks. CRAZY news I know!! I think it's a bit surreal to us too still even though I absolutely love being pregnant! Baby C is on his/her way! One of my first pictures.........no bump yet......

Next week 5/6 I can totally tell there is a bump forming.......

This is when we found out the baby was back!!!!

Me after a short run in Week 8. I have already gained 5 lbs! And I still have at least 3 weeks in the first trimester!

Most recent pictures at 9 and 9 1/2 weeks! Come on belly grow!!!!!!!

I am just so excited to be going through all of this with Matthew Crowell. In the days we found out that we were having a baby,through the trauma, and then back to the baby I feel that we have grown much closer than I could have ever imagined. Truly, I thank the Lord for our blessings and trust him to provide for all of us.